Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
dads on road-trips be like
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!