Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.