Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*