How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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Perfection.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Not recommended for beginners.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
The news
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
🤔😂😂
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I falcon love using swear birds
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.