You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Krampus.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t