All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over