My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!