People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Left at a local drug store…
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy