For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
those birds must be on payroll
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented