When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this