I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?