Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Its a hippotatomus