Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird