My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”