Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.