me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.