Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
meow
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face