Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
won’t smith
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.