[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
me linking you to my twitter
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂