professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??