Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”