Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times