hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
HR said no more nunchucks.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…