just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife