Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
this is the best day of my life
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”