[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
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When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Mountain Goat : )
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”