bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you