In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
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Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.