Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
You Might Also Like
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Mission: Impossible
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Every damn time
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim