AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I love art.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’