Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.