That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
You Might Also Like
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.