If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
You Might Also Like
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?