Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses