will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m crying im so happy for them
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.