Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
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My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Whoa 😂
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”