[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great