If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.