Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.