So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today