The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan