Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“What movie?” 🤔
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear