When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“Huge”.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
There’s only one good girl here!
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go