How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.