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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
monday
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?