I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
nothing saves money like being antisocial