[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
We decided to have money instead of children.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days