Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Everything reminds me of my ex
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips