Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.