I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking